Heads up, this is gonna be a long blog. I was going through some stuff the other morning and ran across some old letters and cards from my great uncle Ted. OMG. I'd forgotten how HYSTERICAL this guy is. I'm going to type out some excerps of these letters, and you'll see where we get our bizarre senses of humor from.
In one reply, he told me, "One thing is for sure, you mean what you say because it's written in black and white." LOL. He wrote one story about a 650lb. lawnmower rolling him down a hill and landing on top of him...heh...let's see, that one's kind of long to type. Ah, here's one. I love the beginning: "Thank you for you inspiring letter dated 1/3/02, containing profound thoughts of wisdom - with a hugh [?] contaminated lake of cheerfulness - being indubitably informative to say nothing about your spectacular goals in life - plus the good solid stead-fast hobby you're involved in and of course a few snide indigant insults followed by a total display of ingenius art (yeah! right) and at the progressive state of this letter, - I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. I have this candid feeling at this moment that a couple of guys with a white jacket are coming to haul me off to the 'funny farm', oh! goody, goody... Please don't let anyone read this letter because they may think I'm totally crazy and may have a point there..." Heh, sorry Ted, it's just impossible to resist.
Here's one of my favorites: "The road that passes in front of our house goes about 500ft. further down the hill and ends on a piece of property that belongs to a retired State Trooper... He has a big steel gate locked to a post with a sign in the center (a typical red street sign) that reads 'stop'... Well! The other day I decided to take my plastic sled and go for a ride down the hill... I went quite a ways up from my house and took off... I went by my house like I didn't even live there and the next 500ft., which approached rapidly, I realized I had to put my feet out to stop... I didn't put my feet out soon enough and I found out the true meaning of the word 'stop'..."
I remember when my mother was still in hospice back in 2002, I'd talked to Ted on the phone and told him I could use a cheering up and asked if he could write me one of his random, insane letters. A few days later, I recieved a card with the following excerp in it: ".....Now let's talk about the weather, why you ask, because I want to. When I was a young man, Superman was everybody's hero and I wanted to be like Superman. He was somewhat dark complexion and his chest was smooth (no hair). So I shaved off the hair on my chest (what little there was) and here is where the weather fits in. I went to the beach to get a good tan - did I get a tan - NO - I got the worst sunburn on my chest you've ever seen. How bad was it you ask - I got such a severe burn on my chest that even my back peeled. It's not funny Moose so don't laugh. After that, I gave up on that idea and decided to experiment with my musical talent. So I let my hair grow a little long, bought a ukulele, and called myself 'Tiny Tim'. My favorite song was 'Tip toe thru the Tulips'. After a lot of practice, I went to the beach and walked around singing and playing my ukulele to make a little money. I had my brother Dick walk ahead of me with a tin cup in his hand, like the organ grinder use[d] to do with his monkey to collect the money. I made the whole sum of nothing. What it was, I don't think they liked my monkey. That's two failures, that's when I decided to become a contractor. I didn't know anything about it, why I thought a plum[b]-bob was a tropical fruit and a square was some dumb guy that worked in construction."
Ahh, here's a few parts from another one.
"Dear Mademoiselle (RESPECT), Macaroon (SWEET), Marvelous (ASTONISHING), Miraculous (MIRACLE), Mystical (SPIRITUAL), Matriarch (RULER), Monochromic (COLOR GREEN), Murmur (SOUND), Metamorphose (CHANGE INTO A) --- here it comes --- (ANIMAL) --- MOOSE!!! No offense, I didn't mean you're an animal - just a Moose. You're all the above (printed words) and then some..but not the animal. Now that the introductry has been accomplished, completed, forth-set, in other words 'finished', I want to take the time to reridatate [?] on some issues I recklessly neglected - or should I say briefly mentioned but intended to embellish on... (What a crock of bull all that was)......"
"...Now then, the picture of you is like looking at a completely contented angel except the eyes - Oh! yes, they definitely have a touch of the devil in them.. Despite all your idiosyncrasies, distorted sense of humor, split personality, psychological urges, just plain being a 'yoyo' (good heavens - this sounds like a description of me), I love you anyhow.."
"...I really was surprised when you said your favorite color was green because - 'bingo' - that happens to be mine.. On the beauty aspect of green, it's a reminded of the beauty of Spring, when the buds on the trees turn into green leaves and the grass turns into a huge blanket of greenery across the fields.. Then look at the many, many varieties of flowers, bushes, pine trees, and don't forget about the frogs.. What about all the vegetables and fruits that and green and don't forget money - yeh, yeh!!! for money.. And what about me - so! what about me?? Some times I make a pig of myself and eat too much, get sick, throw up and when I look into the mirror - guess what color my face is? - - - you got it, 'my favorite color GREEN'.. This concludes all the issues, new subject to follow..."
Heh, so there you go. I figured some of you would enjoy reading all that! It was like four in the morning the other day when I found these (don't ask why I was going through drawers at that hour) and I was on the floor cracking up, trying not to laugh too hard because of my cough (I've got a bad cold or whatever it is), and trying not to make noise to wake Dad up...
posted by: aesav23 (reply)
post date: 02.02.07 (11:25 am)
Mal, only a man should be going through your drawers at 4 a.m. :o)
Although, this really made me chuckle: "What it was, I don't think they liked my monkey." Ha!
Heads up, this is gonna be a long blog. I was going through some stuff the other morning and ran across some old letters and cards from my great uncle Ted. OMG. I'd forgotten how HYSTERICAL this guy is. I'm going to type out some excerps of these letters, and you'll see where we get our bizarre senses of humor from.