Today (April 25) was the day Mama passed away of breast cancer, three years ago. I'm not sure what to say about it, but I feel I should say something. When this day comes, I'm never quite sure how to feel. Should I think of the fact that she's gone, and feel sad all day, or should I remember that it was this day she went home to be with the Lord, and celebrate the fact that I'll see her again and that she's now pain-free?

A little of both, I guess. I know where she is and have no problem with that, but I miss her terribly. Sometimes it hurts so much just to know I won't see her in the flesh again, until my time comes. I just wanna see her once, hug her, tell her I love her.

I usually try not to think about it very much. I mean, I think about her all the time, but not the fact that she's gone. I seem to be living in the state of mind that she's just "away" and will be back soon. I don't know why. Like I said, I try not to think about it much, and tend to bottle my emotions up. Talking about the fact she's "gone" just feels .....odd. I seem to run from sadness. I had a good cry for the first time in many months, just a couple weeks ago.

I'd been going through some drawers looking for something, and accidentally found some cards Mom had written to me. One in particular hit me like a ton of bricks. It was a birthday card from my parents (and cat), in her handwriting, given to me the day I turned sixteen (two months before she died). It says this:

To our dear Mallory Erin,

Such a bubbly, pleasant, sweet personality you have....don;t ever leave it behind. Listen to the Lord - He knows better than any of us what is best. Keep smiling!

With Love,
Mama, Daddy + Whiskers Kitten

My aunt Jocelyn had a little tag in the glove compartment of her car that had "DUMP" written on it. She just pulled it out and handed it to us without saying anything. Needless to say, I busted up in a fit of laughter, because not only was it so completely random, the word "DUMP" is just funny to me. Yeah.

She explained that it served as a reminder for my uncle Max for the days he had to take the trash to the dump. So as we were driving along, Dad took the little sign and started holding it up in the window at passing cars, pointing at it as if it were an important message...

This one poor woman, who was on her cell phone, put DOWN her phone, with the most baffled expression on her face, and mouthed the words "I'm sorry..?" I can just imagine her going home to her husband that night, "Honey, I had the most strange thing happen today.... This large, red-faced man in the back of a car was holding a 'DUMP' sign up at me...."

Then, the guy in the car behind that lady had this disturbed look on his face as he tried to figure out what the sign said and what it meant, and his son next to him was LAUGHING hysterically (this all happened in about ten seconds). We then passed the lady again (I know she saw me dying laughing in the back seat) and went on our way.

I told this story to Tree a few nights ago and said, "Can you imagine? This big red-faced guy holding up a little tag that says 'DUMP' (while mouthing the word 'dump') and pointing at the sign..." and she said "I picture your dad like that all the time. That's like... Mal's Dad: 'Red-face guy with 'dump' sign'."

Hey that could be like, his Indian name! "Red-face. With Dump Sign."

As Jocelyn and Max were driving us to the airport on our last day in North Carolina, Jocelyn handed me the DUMP sign and said "Okay Mallory, since you love it so much, here's a little souvenier for you!"

Mal:
CROTCH!

Nat:
GAMUT

Mal:
DID IT WUK?!

Nat:
PALEONTOLOGY

Mal:
MULCH

Nat:
TRIUMPH!

Mal:
COTTON

Nat:
BROCCOLI

Mal:
GUNS OF NAVARONE

Nat:
CHI CHI CHI CHI BANG BANG WE LOVE YOU

Mal:
GIT-R-DONE.

Nat:
GYNAECOLOGY

Mal:
TATER SALAD

Nat:
SATELLITE RADIO

Mal:
INDIAN CORN

Nat:
BUFFALO SOLDIER